if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
