I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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