Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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