I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
