Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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