I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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