Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
