I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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