I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
