i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
