i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
