I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
