i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
