Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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