Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
