My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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