worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
3pm strippers are depressing
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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