I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She said her name was "party"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How does one acquire holy water?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
