I hate your face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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