Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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