My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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