i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
