apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Someone came in the potted fern
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
