I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
