So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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