i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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