He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
