Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
