just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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