I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
