I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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