My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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