i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
