matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
