As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize