the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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