I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
