i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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