you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
