I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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