I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
