I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
