she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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