Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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