End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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