Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
