I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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