is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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