I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
