Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
