sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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